I can tell, you’ve noticed, haven’t you? Ok, ok, I admit, yes I have put on a few pies. These things happen. Sadly I suffer from a very under appreciated eating disorder known as loving to eat stuff. Sweet or savoury, I love you all. Whoever said that nothing tastes as good as feeling skinny feels was telling a whopper – a big fat juicy Burger King Whopper at that.
I have hit my limits though, and am getting back on the cutting-down wagon, spurred on by the support and encouragement of that great feminist icon, Scary Spice.
There she is, all over my tv in a hideous bodycon dress telling me to get my summer body now. Really, already? I seem to be a bit behind schedule, as last Christmas’ ‘Christmas Cracker Not Christmas Puddin’ diet, and my ‘Hot Pants by Paddy’s Day’ regime are still ongoing with little success. But it is ok, Spice Girls to the rescue! Scary says all I need to do is eat her mate Jenny’s microwave toot and everything will be bodycon-tastic.
While my taste buds start to withdraw at the thought of some pea-sized portion of plastic wrapped slop, and growing levels of obesity are without doubt a major health concern, no one seems to be asking the real question – hey Scary, what happened to all your Girl Power? Are we ladies to forget about empowerment and celebrating our differences now and all struggle to get into frocks as tight as sports socks and as equally sweat inducing?
Everywhere I turn women are trying to make other women feel fat or that their hair isn’t as shiny as glass or their skin the texture of a ceramic doll. Having pores is frowned upon. As are veins. According to Katie Holmes our lipstick should not only be applied 24 hours a day, but that it unifies us all as women. Toot. As if she should be listened to after her wonderful life choices, ahem, cough, Scientology.
One of the worst culprits on the making-you-feel-shit-about-yourself front is chick lit. Just you be careful as you throw that Marion Keyes into your trolley with your organic rocket and Dairy Milk. You could be opening up a whole can of worms for your mental health. Research carried out by Virginia Tech found that reading about skinny women makes you feel less sexually attractive, and reading about insecure women increases anxieties about your own weight. What a fun way to while away an afternoon. That basically covers all women in chick lit. This alone should be enough to send you scurrying to the crime section, never mind the fact that chick lit tends to read like a cider-fuelled GCSE project.
I know I’ve said it before, but let’s all be nice to one another. Encouragement costs nothing. So Scary, I think I’ll give the microwave option a wide birth, and opt for the 5:2 diet – eating normally and on two days a week you eat frig all.
My two fasting days to be the ones following a good night on the vino with the girls.
We will tell each other we are fabulous.
I will be too hungover to eat.
The lipstick will have well worn off.
And the chic lit can do one.